Need to talk? Call 1800 882 436.
It's a free call with a maternal child health nurse. *call charges may apply from your mobile

Is it an emergency? Dial 000
If you need urgent medical help, call triple zero immediately.

beginning of content

Helping your child through divorce

7-minute read

Separation and divorce are common in Australia. About 1 in 5 children experience the breakdown of their parents’ relationship before they turn 18.

While divorce and separation are major events in a child’s life, with the right support, most children adjust well to separation in the long term.

Only a small percentage of children develop significant problems that affect them long-term. They may be slightly more likely to experience behavioural and interpersonal problems, and anxiety or depression.

In most cases, it’s how parents cope with the marital breakdown that impacts children. Conflict between parents can be very damaging for children, both before and after separation.

In a home where there is a lot of anger, verbal abuse or physical violence, children can internalise a chronic sense of fear and not feeling safe. A separation will reduce your child’s exposure to conflict and give them safe space away from the issues that the parents have with each other.

Generally, it’s immediately before and after separation that children are most upset. Sadness and fear are normal emotions. If able to be safely expressed, they allow you to make sense of a difficult situation. In most cases, your child will adjust to their new situation over the next year or two.

How can divorce affect children?

The way a divorce or separation affects your children — and the way they respond — will depend on several things. These include:

  • the situation
  • the age of your children and their development
  • the children’s individual temperaments and personalities

Every child is different.

Anxiety

Many children blame themselves for parental conflict. Children with anxiety worry more about this and what will happen to them in the future.

Divorce can also mean big changes to children’s lives. They may be anxious about:

  • where they will live
  • living in 2 homes
  • joining a blended family
  • not seeing their parents
  • new arrangements
  • their parents feeling sad forever

Grief

Families are the centre of children’s lives. When your family unit is broken, your child may experience grief. Loss of a family can be very difficult for them to understand and accept. But if there is extreme conflict, there may be an element of relief.

Children experience the same complexity and range of emotions around divorce as adults. But they do not have the same tools to express themselves or cope with the challenges.

Regression

Your child may experience overwhelming emotions and start behaving differently to try to cope with them. Some children experience a regression in behaviour.

They may:

Disbelief

It’s normal for children of parents going through a divorce to fantasise that their parents will get back together. It is hard, especially for younger children, to understand when a marriage is over. Responding to your child's belief that their parents will get back together when this is unlikely can be very challenging.

How to support your child

There is a lot you can do to support your child at this time.

Talk with them: You don’t need to give your child all the details, but it’s important to tell them truthfully what’s going on. Explain things in a way they can understand and reassure them that everything will be OK and that you both still love them.

Let them know they are not to blame. Children may worry that if mum and dad can stop loving each other, can they stop loving their children. Reassure them that this will never happen.

They might ask you some difficult questions, so think carefully before you answer, and be prepared to answer the same questions again and again. Try to keep the conversation open and easy.

Encourage them to talk about their feelings and to share their concerns, remembering that younger children can have difficulty expressing themselves. Help them to put their feelings into words — and ensure you listen to them. Listen to understand, not to merely respond.

Never quiz your child about goings-on in the other parent’s house: Your child needs to continue to have supportive, loving relationships with both parents. And also with other adults like grandparents, extended family and friends. Asking them about what happens in the other parent's house will lead your child to feel torn between parents. You will put pressure on your child to come up with an answer which they believe you want to hear.

Be respectful about the other parent and avoid conflict: It is harmful to children when parents attack or criticise each other. Conflict is the strongest predictor of poor child adjustment after separation, in particular if the conflict is severe (such as verbal abuse or physical violence) or if the conflict is about them.

Children should never have to believe that they caused the conflict. They should never have to take sides or to be your go-between. Minimise arguments and find a way to communicate respectfully with the other parent. Make sure they are kept informed about developments in your child’s life, such as school, health issues, events and social occasions.

Maintain your child’s routines: It’s important to keep changes and disruption to a minimum. Even if they are living between 2 homes, try to maintain your child’s regular routines. This helps them feel safe and secure. You can make sure they go to bed at the same time and keep their regular activities and play dates. Your child will feel more secure if the things that are important to them don’t change. If both parents are carers, work out a co-parenting schedule and routine. Keep things calm and focus on practical matters.

Involve your child in decision making: Even though you’ve separated, you will both still be parents and involved in each other’s lives for years to come. You can still be a family, even after divorce.

Ask your child for their opinions and acknowledge their feelings and needs. Let them know their view counts.

Make time for fun:: When everyone is upset and stressed, it’s important to take time out to have some fun. Go for a walk, a bike ride, put some music on and dance, go see a film together, or just do something spontaneous.

Seek support: If you are worried about your child, seek professional help.

It’s also important to get help for yourself. Do not rely on your child for emotional support. Read more here about being a single parent.

Where to get help

Going through a separation or divorce can be a painful and stressful experience. If you or someone you know is going through a divorce, or if your child needs support dealing with your separation, there are several places you can go for help.

Speak to a maternal child health nurse

Call Pregnancy, Birth and Baby to speak to a maternal child health nurse on 1800 882 436 or video call. Available 7am to midnight (AET), 7 days a week.

Learn more here about the development and quality assurance of healthdirect content.

Last reviewed: June 2022


Back To Top

Need more information?

Supporting your child's wellbeing during separation or divorce - Emerging Minds

Get advice from other parents, health professionals and research about supporting your child's wellbeing during a separation or divorce.

Read more on Emerging Minds website

Separation and divorce - Emerging Minds

Explore resources to help you support your child's mental health and wellbeing (and your own) as you navigate a separation or divorce.

Read more on Emerging Minds website

Supporting a child with anxiety - tips for parents

Learn more about supporting a child with anxiety and the practical strategies that you can apply as a parent.

Read more on Emerging Minds website

Your support network: It takes a village

Building your village and creating your support networks plays an important role your child's development. Watch our animation to learn more.

Read more on Emerging Minds website

Parenting after a separation or divorce - Emerging Minds

Get tips on parenting after a separation or divorce, including co-parenting strategies that support children's mental health and wellbeing.

Read more on Emerging Minds website

Professional anxiety support for children - tips for parents

Accessing professional support for children can be challenging. Read our tips for finding the right support as well as preparing your child.

Read more on Emerging Minds website

Supporting children through drought - Emerging Minds

Learn practical strategies for supporting the mental health and wellbeing of toddlers and primary school-aged children through drought.

Read more on Emerging Minds website

Supporting children of parents living with mental illness

What to learn more about supporting children of parents living with mental illness? This resource has been designed to help parents, and their friends and families.

Read more on Emerging Minds website

Supporting your baby’s sleep - Emerging Minds

This resource aims to help you support your baby’s sleep, it looks at infant development, common sleep issues and offers helpful strategies.

Read more on Emerging Minds website

Family breakups - supporting children - Better Health Channel

Separating parents can help children by giving them honest explanations and emotional support.

Read more on Better Health Channel website

Call us and speak to a Maternal Child Health Nurse for personal advice and guidance.

Need further advice or guidance from our maternal child health nurses?

Healthdirect Australia acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and their continuing connection to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to the Traditional Owners and to Elders both past and present.

This information is for your general information and use only and is not intended to be used as medical advice and should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any medical condition, nor should it be used for therapeutic purposes.

The information is not a substitute for independent professional advice and should not be used as an alternative to professional health care. If you have a particular medical problem, please consult a healthcare professional.

Except as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, this publication or any part of it may not be reproduced, altered, adapted, stored and/or distributed in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of Healthdirect Australia.