Bonding with your baby

A bond between you and your baby is a special emotional connection between you both.

Bonding is the start of a lifelong relationship between you and your baby. This relationship is important for your baby's wellbeing and development. It's also important for your own mental wellbeing.

There are many different processes that lead to a bond between you and your baby.

Hormones, such as oxytocin, play a role. This is a hormone that makes you feel love and attachment. It also reduces anxiety. When you bond with your baby, your body produces oxytocin.

Newborns don't know what they need — they have to be helped by a caregiver. You should respond to your baby's physical needs and give them plenty of love. This is part of the bonding process.

Your child's development is shaped by how they bond with you when they are a baby.

Bonding with your baby helps make connections between cells in your baby's brain. These help your baby:

• learn
• grow
• develop their sense of identity
• manage their emotions

Nurturing your baby and responding to their needs will also help them develop good relationships as they grow.

Babies usually attach to the person who gave birth to them, and the main people who provide care for them.

From about week 33 of pregnancy, your baby can recognise and be soothed by your voice. By the time they're born, newborns can even recognise some sounds of your native language.

Babies can bond with several people, such as:

• your partner
• their grandparents
• key childcare workers

It's good for your baby have a bond with someone else if:

• you are finding it hard to form a bond with your baby
• you have a mental or physical illness such as postnatal depression
• there is a reason that you can't pay full attention to your baby

If your baby bonds with other important people, they will not be less attached to you. Making bonds helps your baby to learn about being close to people.

There are many ways you can bond with your baby. Bonding starts during pregnancy. The closeness of your bond will grow as you care for them and spend time with them.

Recognising your baby's cues

When you respond to your baby's needs, you are helping to create a bond with them by making them feel:

• comfortable
• safe
• loved

You can learn your baby's cues. These will let you know if your baby wants or needs something.

Cues that your baby needs something may include:

• crying — this might mean they are unhappy or tired
• jerky movements, such as kicking or squirming — they might be upset
• changes in their facial expression — if they look away from you, they might want space

Responding to your baby

You can't spoil a baby by giving them too much attention. They need you to help them with everything they can't do for themselves. These things include:

• changing their nappy
• helping get rid of their pain or hunger
• providing warmth
• giving them plenty of affection and play

Responding to your baby will help them feel confident to seek support from you as they grow.

If you gave birth to your child, your body may react when they cry. You may feel anxious if you can't respond to your baby straight away. If you can see that your baby has everything they need and are safe, don't worry. When you're with your baby again, calmly soothe and comfort them.

Bonding techniques

Here are some bonding techniques you can try.

• Learn to read your baby's cues and signals to you and let your baby know you understand.
• Copy your baby's noises and expressions, and wait for them to respond.
• Once you have learned what your baby likes, do it regularly.
• Smile and laugh while making eye contact with your baby.
• Talk, sing, read books and play simple games together.

Physical contact with your baby is important for bonding, such as:

• soothing and cuddling your baby when they're upset
• providing skin-to-skin contact, such as while breastfeeding
• massaging your baby
• holding your baby on the left side of your chest, so they can hear your heartbeat
• bathing your baby before bed

For you, a bond can feel like a huge feeling of love and protectiveness.

Your newborn will show signs or behave in ways that mean they are bonding with you. These will depend on their age and level of development. Some signs could include:

• making eye contact with you
• smiling, cooing, laughing or making other noises directed at you
• crying for what they need while looking at you
• looking interested in something you're doing — they may stop and stare at you
• holding out their arms to you
• crawling after you
• copying you

Some parents feel an instant connection to their baby, within the first 24 hours after birth. But some parents don't.

Don't worry if you don't feel a bond straight away. Relationships take time to grow. Don't put extra pressure on yourself. You may find that it takes you days, weeks, or even months to bond with your baby.

If you are worried that you are not attached to your baby, you can speak to doctor, child health nurse or midwife for support.

Talking regularly with family members and friends can help. Not having a strong, initial bond does not mean you're not a good parent.

Postnatal depression can interfere with bonding.

If you think you may be experiencing postnatal depression, talk to your doctor. They can refer you to a mental healthcare professional for support.

For more information and advice about bonding with your baby, you can talk to your:

• doctor
• child health nurse
• midwife

If you need support, you can visit the Centre of Perinatal Excellence website, call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, or look for a suitable parenting helpline through Parentline.

Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia (PANDA) — call 1300 726 306 to speak with a counsellor.