Having difficult conversations

What are difficult conversations?

You will need to have difficult conversations at various times throughout your life. Some conversations can be hard because you feel strong emotions or don't know how the other person will react to what you plan to say.

All kinds of relationships can go through challenging times. To keep the relationship strong, you need to be able talk together about issues that come up. You may disagree on a particular issue or have a concern you want to talk about.

You may need to have a difficult conversation with:

• your partner
• friends
• family members
• coworkers
• strangers

These conversations may be needed because of:

• relationship issues
• parenting styles
• different expectations
• cultural differences
• mental health concerns
• problems in the workplace

Difficult conversations and conflict can be hard, but you can handle them in a healthy way. After having a difficult conversation, you may find you understand each other better.

How can I have a difficult conversation?

If you need to have a difficult conversation, you might not know where to start or what to say.

Difficult conversations may stir up a range of emotions for you and whoever you are speaking with.

There are things you can do to help you have difficult conversations and manage your emotions.

Pick the right time

If you need to have a difficult conversation, it can help to set aside a time that suits both people to talk. If possible, choose a time when you won't be interrupted and you're feeling as calm as possible. If you have children, it might need to wait until they are asleep.

It's OK to suggest stopping the conversation if you or the other person feels:

• angry
• emotional
• overwhelmed

You can try and speak again when you are feeling calmer. It can help to have some time for everyone to think about what has been said.

Pick the right place

You may decide to speak in person. If so, it's best to choose a neutral place where both people feel comfortable.

Sometimes, talking face-to-face can be difficult to organise. Or you might feel unsafe being in the same room. You can also communicate by:

• phone
• video call
• email

Think about what you want to say

Before having a difficult conversation, it can help to think about what you want to say.

You can think about:

• why you want to have the conversation
• how it makes you feel
• what your expectations are

You can try writing your main points down first. Leave it for a while before reading it again.

Think things over when you are feeling calm. This can help you work out what you want to say.

Make sure that what you say is easy to understand and sensitive to the other person's feelings.

Communicating your feelings

Calmly explain what you want to talk about from your point of view. It's important to be:

• patient
• honest
• open

Try to use 'I' statements, such as 'I feel hurt' instead of blaming language, such as 'You are hurtful'. You should also try to avoid absolute statements such as 'You always' or 'You never'. This can help prevent problems during a discussion.

Active listening

When having a difficult discussion, give others a chance to talk about their point of view. Try to understand what's important to them. You should:

• listen to what they say
• think about what they have said
• try to respond calmly

It's important to be an active listener. Active listening is about really hearing and understanding what someone is trying to say. To show the other person that you are actively listening, you can:

• repeat what they have said back to them in your own words
• ask questions about what they are saying to you
• nod to show you are hearing what they are saying
• make eye contact

It's easy to focus on what you want to say next and not listen closely to the other person. But they could pick up on this and may not feel heard. If you're worried that you'll forget what you want to say, it can help to write it down for later.

Focus on the problem

It's important to stick to the specific problem you want to talk about. Don't get distracted by other issues, like old issues or mistakes from the past. If you go off topic, you may not end up resolving the reason for the discussion.

If another problem comes up, you can set a different time to talk about it.

Be open minded

It's important to have an open mind during difficult discussions. There might be some big differences between how you and the other person sees things. Avoid labelling or insulting the other person or their opinion.

Respecting another person's opinion does not mean you have to agree with them. Being open to each other's way of doing things can help avoid conflict.

During a difficult conversation, you may gain a different perspective. It is OK to admit if you are wrong about something or if you have made a mistake. Your opinion can change.

Being open minded can help you and the person you are speaking with to reach a comfortable solution.

Finding a solution

After sharing your views with each other, try to plan your next steps. It might be about finding a solution to a problem or suggesting that some change is made.

Planning the next step is something that you and the other person should do together. It is also important to compromise. When discussing a solution, think about what's really important to you, and what you can let go of.

Once you've decided on a solution that seems to work for everyone, be flexible about assessing how it's going. New habits can take time. Your plans may also change over time.

How can I strengthen a relationship after conflict?

After having a difficult conversation, you might find that you understand each other better. The best thing to do next depends on you and whoever you were talking to.

You or the other person might want some personal space after a tough conversation. It is OK to set boundaries.

Other times, it may help to spend some time together to help manage any difficult emotions. You might take the time to relax or do something fun together.

Communicate with the other person about what you would prefer. This is important for your relationship and for your wellbeing.

Resources and support

For more information on difficult conversations, there are some organisations that can help:

• Call Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 for relationship support services for individuals, families and communities.
• Call MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78 for useful information or to access online counselling and support — they also have a tip sheet on managing conflict and advice on active listening.
• Check out Family Relationships Online or call the advice line on 1800 050 321 for counselling, mediation and dispute resolution.
• Trauma and Grief Network has a resource for how to protect children from harm and trauma during family conflict.