Children and lies

Lying, 'fibbing' and telling 'tall tales' is part of normal childhood behaviour and development.

Your child may not know what is real and what is imaginary.

As your child grows up, they will start to understand what truth is. Their sense of right and wrong will develop by about the age of 9 or 10 years.

Telling the truth is something that children learn over time.

Children may tell lies for a number of reasons. These reasons will change as they grow up.

They might lie because they:

• want to avoid getting into trouble or are worried about being punished
• want something to come true
• want to impress their friends and fit in
• are copying other people who have lied
• hope to gain affection or approval from their loved ones

You can try to understand why your child might have lied. This way, you can support them to tell the truth.

Less than 3 years of age

Before 3 years of age, your toddler will not understand what lying is. If they tell a lie, they may think they are telling the truth.

From 3 to 4 years of age

At 3 to 4 years of age, your child will start to understand that others can't hear their thoughts.

They may have a strong imagination and may tell more lies. For example, they may make up stories to blame someone for something. This is a normal behaviour.

At around this age, your child may be eager to please their loved ones. They will be tempted to lie to avoid making you upset or angry.

From 4 to 5 years of age

Younger children in the early years of school want to please their parents more than they want to do the 'right thing'. They may tell lies to avoid disappointing you.

Older children

Older children may tell a 'white' lie to protect someone's feelings. For example, they may pretend to be grateful for a gift they don't really like.

If you notice your child lying, start by trying to understand why. They may have a reason for not telling the truth.

You can help them to stop lying by:

• teaching them what the truth is
• helping them to feel safe enough to tell the truth
• encouraging them to be honest

Teach your child about truth and fiction

Tell your child that telling the truth is important to build trust.

You can help teach your child that there is a difference between truth and imagination. For example, if your child tells you a made-up story, you can praise their imagination.

It's also important to teach your toddler that the truth can hurt people. As they grow, they will learn when it is polite to use a small lie.

Try to explain these things to your child when they are calm and able to listen to you.

Help your child feel safe

Try not to get upset if your child lies. Instead, help them feel safe enough to be truthful. Assure them that you will not be angry if they tell the truth.

You can teach them other ways to deal with things. Here are some examples:

• Your child may lie to avoid punishment, like blaming a spilt drink on someone else. You can tell them that you notice the spill, that it's OK, and ask them to help you clean it up. This way, they learn to deal with their mistakes.
• Your child may make up a lie about something they want. They might say that they are playing with a friend that you know is not with them. You can acknowledge that they may miss that person and want to see them.
• Your child may lie to get your attention. Encourage them to ask you to spend time with them, rather than lie to get what they want.

Do not label your child a liar or accuse them of mistakes. Remember, they are still learning, so you need to be patient while they develop their skills.

Encourage your child to be honest

Good relationships are based on trust, which requires honesty. You can encourage your child to be honest by making clear that your family values honesty.

If your child tells the truth, praise them for it.

You can help set a good example, by:

• being truthful
• keeping your promises
• explaining to them when you can't keep a promise

Children may decide not to tell the truth because they aren't ready to share a serious issue like bullying. They may lie to:

• wish for things that did
• wish for things that did not happen
• protect themselves from punishment

You should speak with your doctor or child health nurse if:

• you are concerned about why your child is lying
• your child keeps lying
• your child is unable to accept something that is true

If a child tells you about something serious like abuse, it's important to support them by:

• listening to them
• taking them seriously
• helping them feel safe

If you think a child is being abused, you should think about contacting the authorities in your state or territory.

If your child has a delay in their development, they may find it hard to understand what the truth is.

Visit firstfiveyears or Karitane to learn more about emotional development in young children.